Rubber Dick

[Dice Man]

Here is a tale of poker and adventure. The other day I was down "The High Stakes Casino" (can't reveal location since it's invite-only and only high-rollers play there), and there I came across my old nemesis, Rubber Dick. He was hanging out in the bar area with a load of groupies buying champagne for everyone, and generally living up to his name by being a cock to everyone. On the big screen they were showing his new music video which hasn't yet been released, and I stopped to watch it after I had busted some fish in a 10-game classic cash game (the game I invented). Rubber Dick saw me and the following exchange took place.

Dice Man: Good evening Rubber Dick.
Rubber Dick: Good evening Dice Man.
Dice Man: Despite my intense hatred for you I have to say that your new video is the most shit hot thing I have ever seen/heard.
Rubber Dick: For once you are right. How does it feel to be a lowly unrecognised poker player when I am a world-famous gangsta-rapper?

At this his posse of groupies laughed at me.

Dice Man: It feels good since I can actually play poker and you have to debase yourself like this in front of the world.
Rubber Dick: Watch what you say Dice Man. Do you want me to bust you again like in Vegas in '98?

I thought back to that occasion. It was my first time in Vegas after raping the games in the UK and online. I foolishly put my whole bankroll of $5,000,000 on a table and Rubber Dick sat down with an equal amount, the first time I had met him. On the very first hand I was dealt AA and got it all in pre-flop against Rubber Dick's KK only for him to flop a set and bust me. I swore to avenge my bad luck and defeat the mighty Rubber Dick. The Dickster didn't like what I was saying and got his posse to kidnap me and dump me in the desert, throwing me a single $1 chip as a leaving present. After crawling through the desert for days I finally found salvation. I was offered water for my $1 chip. I told the dice that if it rolled 1-5 I would buy. If it rolled 6 I would use the $1 chip to avenge my ill fortune and defeat Rubber Dick once and for all. The dice had landed 6 and I'd never looked back since. The next thing I know I'm looking at Rubber Dick 9 years later...

Dice Man: We both know I am the superior player. I offer the following: I will play you in a heads up poker contest for the rights to your song and video.
Rubber Dick: Hah! And what if I win?
Dice Man: I will stake my entire bankroll...three million pounds...and one dollar.

I produced from my pocket the very same dollar chip Rubber Dick had left me in the Nevada desert with. I stared down the Dickster...a smile flashed across his face.

Rubber Dick: You have a deal. I will happily bust you again.

We sat down at the table, Rubber Dick surrounded by his posse of laughing gimps. We played with 100,000 chips each, blinds 5/10 at a fixed level because we are hardcore like that.

Rubber Dick: The game is no limit texas holdem.

Even a player as arrogant as Rubber Dick knows there is no logically possible way to beat Dice Man in a heads up game pot limit.

Dice Man: Agreed.

For the next fifteen hours we played poker without a single break. Rubber Dick slowly but surely ground me down with his excellent play that I could not match. He had been an excellent player before but it looked like he had improved at a faster rate than myself. After fifteen hours I was left with just 500 chips to Rubber Dick's 199,500. But then Rubber Dick's arrogance got the better of him:

Rubber Dick: As you are practically already bust let us change the game to pot limit holdem. I will defeat you at your own specialist game.
Dice Man: I accept.

Within twenty minutes I re-captured the lead through my immense PL HU skills. Rubber Dick could not believe it and was on extreme tilt.

Rubber Dick: OK let's play no limit again...
Dice Man: I decline you piece of anal discharge!

So on with PL we played. Then the hand of all hands occurred. I picked up AA and potted it. Rubber Dick potted back, so I re-potted. He re-pots, so I re-pot again! Somehow 200,000 chips end up in the pot and I flip AA. Rubber Dick flips KK.

Dice Man: So you are still as poor as you ever were!
Rubber Dick: I'd rather be lucky than good!

As he said this a king appeared in the window, and Rubber Dick jumped out of his seat, and his crowd of gimps erupt in celebration. He comes around the table and begins rapping all up in my face.

Rubber Dick: See me at a table you best keep walkin, cos I ain't stable, you play with me you'll be disabled. Don't stand the heat just leave your seat, before you...
Dice Man: Get bad beat?

Rubber Dick turned around and saw what I had already seen. An ace on the river! Dice Man had won the heads up showdown. Rubber Dick turned pale, the crowd was silent.

Dice Man: Huzzah! I have defeated you!
Rubber Dick: This isn't over Dice Man! I'll get you yet!

I walked out in to the morning breeze holding my documents with the rights to Rubber Dick's music video, and my bankroll still safe from his clutches. Here I enclose the video that would have made Rubber Dick a multi-millionaire, but I offer it for free since I have no need for such disgusting wealth, and am cool like that.

YouTube - Bad Beat

[PokerWoody]

You are awesome. Very, very awesome.

Respect.

[waltypies]

Forum personality 2007

DICEMAN


YOU ROCK

[sl0ggs]

Absolute genius dude... su-fuckin-perb! 8)

[Dice Man]

Thankyou all. Also please don't spread it around because I haven't been given permission to modify the backing track yet, and it can get removed from YouTube if the owners find out.

[waltypies]

Thankyou all. Also please don't spread it around because I haven't been given permission to modify the backing track yet, and it can get removed from YouTube if the owners find out.

Your secret is safe

[Gus Mango Fish]

Wow! The story was pretty bloody amazing in itself....

And then I saw the video...

Amazing!!! Total respect!!!

Best post ever, without a doubt! Regardless of who wins the forum personality of the year this year, Dice will get an equal prize (if he doesn't win it anyway, which with a post like that he should do)!!

When can we put this in the General Poker Forum? It deserves a far wider audience!...

Also,

- how did you get that little kid to push your swing?

- who do you need to ask to alter the backing track?

So many questions!!!

Go Dice! Go!!

[Dice Man]

I suppose this can go in the general forum. It only went in here because I was worried about having the "fucking Jew" line (which is censored in the video but not in the mp3) made public, but Walty's post in general discussion appears to have made that a moot point.

With that kid, we were filming in Montpelier and there was this playground with a mother playing with the kid. In that shot what we actually had going was her pushing me on the swing, but the kid ran into the shot and decided to start pushing. If you notice in that part I hardly have any momentum on the swing because when he ran in I tried desperately to stop to avoid sending him flying.

I got the backing track from this website.

http://www.soundclick.com/freehiphopbeatsforyou

I think it's towards the bottom of his free samples called "Bow Down". I checked the terms and conditions and it says something like: you can use them for free but you can't modify them without permission. So I e-mailed them a few days ago and haven't been replied to yet.

[Gus Mango Fish]

Aye. I deleted the 'Jew' thread as I thought, although obviously a joke, it was in bad taste and liable to offend. As someone of Jewish ancestry I found it a little bit offensive, and there's not much that offends me.

What's the reasoning behind the 'fucking jew' line in your rap? I didn't notice that first time round as it was bleeped out. Not being up on hiphop much, I assume that's part of the genre - e.g. same as 'nigga'..

Or that like Borat, it's Rubber-Dick saying that line, and not you?...

[CitrusSR]

Hahaha that is quality!! good work diceman